Monthly Archives: February 2011

The Time I Tried to Hit a Homeless Man with my Car

One night recently my husband and I were sitting at Kelsey’s Bar and Grill.

I was having a little of the bar, and he was having a little of the grill.
We got on the subject of crazy things we did as kids. Back and forth we went each trying to “one-up” the other. This is the good stuff marriage is based on.

Well, Ryan had to go and get all high and mighty, so I had no choice but to bring out the big guns.

Me: Oh yeah? Well when I was 16 I tried to hit a homeless man with my car.

He stared at me for a moment.

Ryan: You mean to say, you almost accidentally hit a homeless man with your car…..

 

Ryan: Right?

Me: Nope. I tried to hit him on purpose.

Ryan: What happened?

Me: He moved out of the way.

He continued to stare at me; probably questioning his decision on getting married.

It all began one Sunday morning when my family and I were all getting ready to go to church.

Me, being the sleep deprived procrastinator I always was, was way behind schedule. And on that day, I was feeling extra sleepy and extra ornery.

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My mom must not have had a very good night’s sleep because she threw her hands up in a fit of rage a little earlier than usual that day.

Mom: That’s it. We’re leaving now! You can drive yourself to church!

Hmmm….

The idea of this newly granted independence inticed me. We had always gone to church together and never had I been granted a reprieve from the family car ride.

It was thrilling.

I could leave as late as I wanted, heck I could even go back to bed. I could…..

Mom: But! You have to go to Sunday School!

Groooooaaaan….

Another instance when it’s Adolescent Ambition=0 Maternal Instinct=1

But I assured her I would, and 20 minutes later when I got into my car, I still had every intention of going.


But then something happened….

 

 

Something evil….

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I could skip Sunday School and go to McDonald’s instead.

Yes, yes I could. And there was no one there to stop me.

Sure my parents had entrusted me to be responsible, but as far as I was concerned that was their own fault and they had no one to blame but themselves.

Besides, I wanted a hashbrown.

The idea grew into an obsession and soon it were as though the golden arches had become to me what The Ring became to Frodo Baggins at the edge of Mordor.
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So I drove right past the church and even chunked it the duece as I went by. I was acting like a cocky little hoodlum and it was all about to catch up to me…..

So I arrived at McDonald’s, parked my car and went in.

I ordered my hashbrown and even threw in an Egg McMuffin for the heck of it.

I took my tray and went and sat down in the first booth I found.

There I was: young, independent, rebellious and with hashbrown. Life was good and nothing could shake my spirit…until I happened to look up….

 

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to see a man looking at me from across the restaurant (and when I use the term restaurant, I’m being very generous).

I could definitely tell by what he was wearing that he was homeless.
So, it was one of those awkward moments when you accidentally make eye contact with someone,

 


and then you quickly look away like it was an accident,
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but then you look again,

 


and they’re still looking at you!
So then you’re not sure why you’re doing it, but you look away,


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and then look up one more time, just to make sure they’re not stari….

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This homeless dude was totally staring at me from across the room!

What was extra freaky was the fact that the guy didn’t even have anything to eat or drink in front of him. He was just sitting there; completely fixated on me, as though he were put there by some outside force–not of this world.


From that moment on it was impossible for me to enjoy my Mickey D’s. All I wanted to do was get out of there and get to church where I belonged.

Now, before I continue my story, I need to layout the geography of what I was dealing with here.

 

Obviously the best option was for me to choose Route A.

So, I got up to take my tray over to the trash….

and suddenly….

at that exact same moment, Homeless Guy gets up too and is walking right towards me!


I dropped my tray and headed for the door.

One more thing to keep in mind is, that my car was one of those old school models where I didn’t have keyless entry. Plus I had this weird security feature where I had a little device that would have to be plugged in, in order for the car to start. Therefore, it would take me a little extra time to get going.

Well, I dashed out of the door, trying to remain calm. Surely this was all a coincidence and this man wasn’t trying to follow m…

 

 

I broke into a run for my car. Behind me I could hear the distinct sound of his wings of fire and brimstone beating through the air as he gained on me.

I got to my car knowing there was little room for error.

Got keys.

Manually unlocked door.

Jumped in.

Manually locked doors.

Plugged in “security thingy.”

Started engine.

I threw my car in reverse, backed up and looked around.

But to my surprise, Homeless Guy was no where to be found.

My heart was pounding and needless to say, I was way more than a little creeped out.

So, I headed to the church but didn’t tell anyone about what had happened.

You would think this incident would have taught me a lesson and I would be smart enough not to skip Sunday School again.

You would think…..

but then you would just be giving me way too much credit.

 

I had stayed the night at a friend’s house in town (I lived way outside of town), and coincidentally my little sister, Rebecca who was 11 at the time, did too.

My mother wanted us to come to Sunday School and church, so I picked up Rebecca and we went on our way.

There we were, riding along, when suddenly once again my independence got the best of me, and the sinful idea entered my brain once more.

 

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Me: Hey Rebecca, instead of going to Sunday School, do you want to go to McDonald’s?

At first she was hesitant, but then not wanting to disappoint her big sister, she gave in.

I was uber psyched.

The funny thing was, on this Sunday, I happened to be wearing the exact same purple shirt I had worn that month before.

And no, this is not just a white lie to prevent me from having to redraw pictures of myself. I have a little more integrity than that. Just barely though.

So, Rebecca and I get to McDonald’s but this time I park here:


We go in, get our food and sit down at the first booth. The EXACT same booth as the month before.
It wasn’t until the moment I sat down did I experience the deja vu.

Me: That’s funny, I was just here last month and I was wearing this exact same shirt, and was sitting in this same booth. But last time it totally sucked because there was this homeless man sitting across the room st…..


I froze mid-sentence. There, across the room, was my Sunday morning nightmare in the flesh.

He was back, er, I was back…..whatever, we were both in the same situation we had found ourselves in the month before.

Except this time, things were more complicated.

I had my little sister to protect (even though at 5 years younger she was still taller than me) plus I had parked in a different spot and the only way I could get out, and to my car before he did, was if we went out Route B. That meant, we had to walk right passed him.

So, I quickly explained the situation to Rebecca and warned her that as soon as we got outside we would have to run like we had never run before.

I knew we would be slowed down by the fact that not only would I have to manually unlock my side of the car with the key, but I would have to unlock the door for Rebecca too.

Alright, it was go time. Rebecca was ready. I was ready.

And this time I was totally going to play it cool.

We stood up.
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I’m playin it cool.

He stood up.

Panic set in.

 

By some miracle we were able to push passed the guy and get out.

When we got to the car it were as though my brain was no longer in charge and muscle memory had kicked in.

Unlock my door.

Open.

Unlock Rebecca’s door.

Get in.

Lock Doors.

Input Security Device.

Start Car.

I looked in the rear view mirror and could see Homeless Guy still running at us.

I didn’t want to know what would happen if he reached my car, so I threw it in reverse and backed up as fast as I could.

He stepped out of the way and I sped out of the parking lot.

Although finally safe, my sister and I were both completely terrified.

 

 

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I finally learned my lesson that day, that you should never skip church to go to McDonald’s….or at least that particular one.

Ok, so really I didn’t actually try and hit the demon, er guy, I was just completely terrified of what might have happened if he reached my car window. I thought maybe he would have some super strength talon that could break through my windshield and pillage my very soul.
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Therefore, technically, in my young stupid mind, I just didn’t care if I hit him or not.
Extras:

Question:
Alexa, why didn’t you just go tell a McDonald’s staff member and have him escort you to your car?

First of all, I thought Homeless Guy was a devil sent from Dante’s Inferno to punish me for my sins. Excuse me, but I didn’t really think Team Leader Phil was properly trained to handle full contact spiritual warfare. Besides, I wasn’t mature enough to think in logical terms like that.

Obviously I’m still not very mature if I’m nearly 30 and I’m blogging at 9am on a weekday with animation from Microsoft Paint.

So, basically you entitled this post the way you did to get people to read it.
Yes, I did.. So what? Would you read a blog post entitled: The Time I Drove My Car and Absolutely Nothing Interesting Happened?
Please.

Fun Exercise:

Did you notice that if you take the picture of my sister and add a little line underneath her mouth that she now looks like she has a Vato ‘stach?

Ole.

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Alexa’s Rules For Life

Life is a twisted maze of questions and conundrums, and you can get lost if you’re not careful. Here is a list of rules I’ve put upon myself through my own personal experiences and mis-steps. A moral compass if you will. Whether or not you  choose take these rules to heart, is your own decision.

But I can promise you: you’ll be sorry if you don’t.

How did I become so wise, you ask? Well, I suppose I can’t take all the credit. I owe quite a bit to my daily cocktail of red wine, awkward silences, chewable vitamin C, and a complete lack of awareness for respectable society.

Thank you.

1. Always be wary of working for someone who refers to themselves as “a cool boss.”

2. If you have to tell someone your cool, chances are pretty good that you’re not.

3. If you ever refer to yourself as being a nerd, chances are, you’re probably pretty cool, or at least I will think you are.

4. Don’t believe a man if he tells you he was “too busy to call.” If a guy has time to use the restroom throughout the day, then he certainly has time to call you.

 

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And now……

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5. This means he might actually call you from work while using the restroom. Be polite and ignore the echo.

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6. People look stupid when they over use “quote unquote” hand gesture with their fingers.

7. I really need to work on not using the “quote unquote” hand gesture.

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8. Turning on the golf channel in a lady’s presence is ungentlemanly, uncouth and a societal faux pas in it’s lowest form.

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9. Ladies, just because a celebrity can pull off a look, doesn’t mean you can. If you’ve ever been out at a bar looking like this:

The only thing  that guy you were talking to was thinkig is: “I wonder if this Indian chick here has any hot friends?”

10. When you first start dating a woman, avoid all exclamation points and smiley faces. Trust me.

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11. Never engage in road rage with someone within 150 yards of your destination. Chances are you could be going to the same place.

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12. An alarm clock is never a good gift.

13. Please don’t talk to me about American Idol.

14. Always admire you guy’s air guitar. Because every man wants to feel like a rockstar.

15. Penguins, doves and socks. They all mate for life. And so should you.

 

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